Fuck you.

Dear Barry Bonds,

Hey, fuck you! I hope you're having a nice day as you read fake letters from ass-kissing fans that help you explain away all the shitty, just fucking awful things you’ve done over the past few years.

The last time something this awful happened in professional sports, the phrase, “Say it ain’t so Joe!” entered our collective unconscious thanks to “Shoeless” Joe Jackson and his fellow Black Sox.

“Say it Ain’t So, Barry,” just doesn’t have the right ring to it, though. It doesn’t fit these times. You can’t picture a kid from a poor neighborhood looking at you and saying it. If I see a kid, maybe from Brooklyn, sitting on his stoop, watching you go to court on TV, watching another one of his heroes in a time that sorely needs them defending his bad behavior and pretending it didn't happen, being a weasel instead of a man, I can’t see the kid looking at the TV and echoing that oh-so-famous bit of folklore.

No, that kid from Brooklyn feeling so disappointed, or from San Francisco, or Pittsburgh, or anywhere, isn’t going to say that. The only appropriate thing to say these days that has the same measure of feeling to it is simply,

“Fuck you Barry Bonds.”

Fuck you.

I don’t give a fuck what Charles Barkley says Barry Bonds, because I’m sorry asshole, you’re a role-model and you just made the childhood of a generation of kids a little less cool by being a fucktard.

Fuck you for being a fucktard. Fuck you for being a steroid using piece of crap. Fuck you for not being man enough to play the game straight. Fuck you for being a liar. Fuck you for being a weasel. Fuck you not being man enough to own up to your own mistakes.

Fuck you Barry Bonds.

Wait, scratch that, I’m sorry. Not appropriate. I apologize. I’ve gotten your name wrong.

Because you’re not Barry Bonds anymore. You need a nickname, like Shoeless Joe Jackson, but more appropriate for our times. How about You Fucktard Barry Bonds? Yeah, I agree, it fits you better. My apologies for getting your name wrong You Fucktard Barry Bonds. I will not get it wrong again You Fucktard Barry Bonds.

Fuck you You Fucktard Barry Bonds.

If you’re lucky, very lucky, maybe someone will write a book about you as a ghost, just like ‘Shoeless Joe.' And your book will also use the nickname we just agreed upon for you, and will be called “You Fucktard Barry.” I imagine that the book is just like ‘Shoeless Joe’ except that it’s set in a Florida swamp, and you're the only player on the team.

I know what you're thinking You Fucktard Barry Bonds.

"Am I an actual weasel in the book?" "How am I portrayed in this mysterious future book about me?"

Don't you worry You Fucktdard Barry Bonds, because as I look into the future, I see the book being a fantasy that accurately portrays, in a metaphoric fashion, your struggles.

In the book 'You Fucktard Barry', every time you shoot up before going up to bat, an aligator eats you then shits you out onto first base. The first base coach is a bear who then eats you, then takes a shit and leave it on second. The line coach, which is a giant mutant Owl, screeches, eats you at second, then takes a shit near the shortstop, which is a hyena. The hyena then tags you out and eats you. You then go back to bat. This is pretty much the whole book. There's some twists and turns, and also a romance subplot, but we'll leave that for a surprise when the book actually comes out.

Kevin Costner will be around 80 when 'You Fucktard Barry' is made into a movie, so he’ll play the part of the bear. 'Shoeless Joe' was renamed 'Field of Dreams' when it was a movie. 'You Fucktard Barry' will also be renamed when it becomes a movie. The movie will be called 'Cockasshole Piece of Shit Man Baseball Fuckhole Jerk.' It really captures the essence, don't you think You Fucktard Barry Bonds?

That’s your future legacy You Fucktard Barry Bonds. Someday, you will be a fictional character in a crappy book that will be made into a crappy movie where an elderly Kevin Costner plays a bear that eats you and shits you out. And you know who plays you in the movie 'Cockasshole Piece of Shit Man Baseball Fuckhole Jerk'? A big piece of shit. It’s the only way to truly capture you on film, You Fucktard Barry Bonds.

So, to sum up.

You are a Fucktard You Fucktard Barry Bonds, and the legacy you leave on Earth is going to be as a big steaming pile of shit.

Fuck you You Fucktard Barry Bonds.

Have a nice day.




Fuck you Barry Bonds.